Having lived all my life thus far following a strict path, I didn't exactly have to make any substantial decisions. From young, it was ingrained into our minds that we must attend primary school, try get into a good secondary school, choose our paths; poly or jc, and then afterwards it was university.

Coming to an end of my mapped out life, I begin to fear the uncertainties. Every single decision I made thus far only bears a minimal consequence. I still follow that path in the end. I am a person who basks in knowledge. Knowledge of my goals, knowledge that I would not waver. And I really thought I did, until recently.

I began to wonder. Do I really have what it takes to survive in the harsh reality of society. All my life I was cocooned in a safe haven surrounded by my parents, family and friends. Every single step I took was heavily monitored and guided. But now, who's to tell me if my step is wrong? I'm not a risk taker. I hate risks, which is why I hate the uncertainty.

In the past, I did take up part time jobs, and the people really were fairly nice. It was a joyous time, I would say. Spending my time that I would otherwise sleep off with by working with friends and earning extra cash, it created so much memories and bonded us that much. Now, you'd never know what people hide behind their smiles. In school, there was no reason to hide. If I didn't like you, I showed it on my face. I thrashed it out with you. I had a fight with you. I made up with you. I became the best of friends with you. In the workplace, people smile at you. People made friends with you. People helped you out. And then they silently laugh at you. They stab you in the back. They push you right back down. You'd never know if their smiles are genuine, out of politeness, or plain scheming. That's what scares me the most. You'd never know who they really are, right till the day you die.

Working as a student has its benefits. Your youth makes people more acceptable towards errors. Your position makes people blind towards your transgressions. More importantly, you don't give them a reason to be fake. Why? All because you aren't enough to pose a threat to them. To their position. Afterall, you're just a part-timer/intern. They know your time with them is limited. Working full time, there is only a right path, and every wrong step leads to death. Problem? There are thousands of traps, just patiently waiting for you to fall into. People's expectations of you grow a thousand times more in proportion to your change in wage. Doesn't help that there are hawk eyes everywhere staring at your every move just waiting for you to make a mistake before gleefully watching you fall to your doom. Adds to all that stress now, doesn't it?

I never considered money as an issue to me, not even now. To me, its something material. Yes, I do not deny my life would be that much more comfortable if I had an endless supply, but at the same time, its not something I would deem important enough to be classified as precious. There are just so much more things in life that I consider to be a million times more precious than money. My parents, my family, my friends, my loved ones. All I want to do is to ensure that they all get to be happy and enjoy life to its fullest. But yet again, that is something I cannot accomplish without money. Which brings me back to my main point of working.

Actually, I don't even know what I want to say anymore. I'm just filled to the brim with all these questions, 'Can I do it right?', 'Will I be able to get a job that I want especially when I don't even know what I want right now?", 'Will I earn enough money?', 'Can I make us all happy with it?', 'Can I find my purpose in life?', 'How will my colleagues be like?', 'Will they like me?', 'Will they silently snigger at me and stab me behind my back?', 'Will I be able to cope with the stress?'

But I have to. Its not a choice. Its a given.

Would you deem me too much of a coward if I told you what I fear?