Why hello there! (Waves to air)

Well well, its been a long time since I've been here huh!

Truth is, I couldn't really sleep, and I had the stupidest idea that bathing might help calm my mind down or something. Idk. So yes, that dumb idea left me half freezing to death and wide awake at 4am, and its now nearing 5.

So. What can I say?

I've been officially working for about 7mths already. Doesn't feel that way to me though. Work has been fine. Uneventful. The greatest thing to thank God for is the fact that there isn't any (or much) politics in the office. That was the single most scary thought that put me off of working since long ago. But either way, the office life is still way different from school life. To a certain extent, it feels like you're constantly judged for whatever you do, which actually makes perfect sense for it to be that way though. I just...I dont know. I miss the carefree life of a student. I miss not having to think that deep into my every action or the words of others. Gone were the days where people's words can be purely taken at face value. Anyhoos, either way I'm still satisfied atm! (: At least life is peaceful now. A little too routine for my liking, but nevertheless, peaceful.

Valentines' Day just passed. Everyone's telling me to lower my expectations and get a partner quickly lol. Thing is. I've thought real deep and hard about relationship issues. I see everything good about being in a relationship, and I do similarly hope to have my very own happily ever after some time in the future. But for now, I don't have the i-want-to-get-a-boyfriend feeling. I dont know how to put it in words. Truthfully, sometimes I don't even understand why the people who say they like me like me.

I mean, you've only seen the cheery face I usually have on when I'm outside. Not that I secretly emo and cry in a corner when I'm home or anything, but I dont really like having people ask me whats wrong and start fussing over me. I know. Quite double standard. But I just like to keep my matters private. Okay thats off-topic. Point is, I have other emotions. I throw tantrums, I get angry, all behind your back when I'm not in front of people. How can you say you like me when you've never seen that side of me?

A friend once asked me, how do you get together with anyone when you dont even know what you're looking for? I was momentarily stunned into silence. And thats when I started to really think and realise some things. To that friend, here was my reply.

You will know it when you meet him. Corny, I know, but its true. When you meet someone you really like, you just naturally get interested in him. Nothing has to be said, nothing has to be done. He can be standing with his mouth wide open and to you it might the a beautiful piece of art or something. (I guess thats where "beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" comes from.

She loves her family members alot, and she really wants to find someone who she can love and loves her that same way. Point is, she wants someone to give her that feeling of love from the first moment they meet.

I'm sorry, that's impossible to expect of anyone. Nobody can look at you for the first time and declare that they love you as much as your family does. Not a single human being. Love is something that naturally develops after you two start dating.

Truthfully, I had no love for my bf when we got together. At that point of time, it was a very natural thing (imo) for us to get together. We knew each other in school, had the same clique of friends who actually helped create opportunities and push us together. We talked every single day, and when he popped the question, it was more of a "I should accept" instead of a "I want to accept". Even my friends told me it was pretty obvious that he loved me more than I did him at the point of time, which I really do feel sorry for. In short, I liked him, alot. More so than any of people I've ever met. But no, at that point of time, I didn't love him. Yet.

Love comes slowly for me. I'm sorry, but thats just who I am. I'm hesitant to accept any form of love because I know when I do, I expect you to stay in my life forever. And what happened actually proved me right. He broke my heart completely and left me there. And thats when my friend realised I actually love him more than he does me. For me, love grew slowly as I spent more time with him. I guess his must've diminished over time then. Lol.

To be honest, the thing that hurt me most other than the fact that he said he regretted the whole relationship was the realisation of how much I actually meant to him. My love for him grew to the point where I actually loved him as much as I loved my family. He was someone I knew I could count on, would be there at all times. But when he left me quoting the reason that he wanted to place his family as a priority, it really broke my heart to pieces. And since then, I realised how little I actually meant to him, and how very different our perceptions to relationships were. To me, the marriage cert is just a piece of paper. It's not like I know I can declare and profess my undying love the moment we both sign that bloody paper. What matters most is trust. The trust that we'll stay together no matter what. Trust that I had implicitly. Trust that was crushed and thrown back like a tight slap to my face.

All in all, the various reasons stacked up one after another and I'm actually a little apprehensive towards starting a relationship of any kind right now. I dont know how long this will last, but whatever. Lol. I'll take things one at a time.

I actually didnt mean for this post to get that indepth. Hahah. Oh well. I guess its okay since I dont think anyone's reading it (I hope). But if any of my friends are reading this, please do not think too deep or misunderstand my intentions. I just have nothing better to do being up at 530(now). It wasnt even my intention to talk about these stuffs. One thing just led to another and viola! Either way, I'm banking on the fact that none of my friends read it. Crossing fingers!

Okay. I better try and get some sleep now. Tmr's a sat, but i still dont want to mess my body clock up too much. Heh. Night night! ((:


PS: it actually feels great to be discussing details of my previous relationship. My close friends all know him, and some are close to him. I don't really like discussing these stuff with them, which actually kills me because I've been wanting to get it off my chest for so long. Feels great even if its not by mouth! :D